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Sunday, 24 May 2009

24 May 2009

Dear Diary,

today I took revenge!

_The End_

did that go a bit to fast for you?
To understand this story we'll have to go waaaaaay back in time.
The summer of 1975 to be exact,
it was the best of times, a summer in the city as Lovin' Spoonful would've put it.
It was a great, year. It was era time of block parties and hippies were going out of fashion faster than pokemon did during its day. Yes, life was good.
At that time, I was but a naive farm boy trying to make it in the big city as an actor. And truth be told, I had what it takes! Aside from my daily auditioning, saturday night was MY time. I shone like a superstar in the local disco's of Los Angeles. Dancing around in my white suit. When on one particular night, a John B. approached me with the idea of a movie. He told me he wanted to name it "Saturday Night Fever". Of course I'd accept, it had been the moment I had been waiting for! A movie! But during those days, I hung around with a buddy of mine, named one John Travolta. And John, well he told me that it was a scam! Supposedly John B. was in cahoots with the government trying to bring me down! You see, during those days we were very suspicious of the government (with the whole fake moon landing and all). So eventually I got so suspicious I canceled the whole thing. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I learned that it WAS indeed a movie and guess who starred as the leading actor, MY ROLE?!! Yes, none other than my supposedly best friend John friggin' Travolta!
And that's the defining moment of the my revenge.

To be continued...

18 May 2009

Dear reader,

it has come to my attention that lots of you fans where looking forward to more frequent updates on my blog. I must however disappoint you all, I try my best to keep updating my blog as frequent as I can, but as you may have noticed from several of my previous post and will continue to find, is that my life busy. Therefore it is not possible to update daily, I try and hopefully succeed to update my blog at least once a week! So fear not!

Now since me previous post I was invited to a show in America apparently called "Aproh" or "Oprah", I was told it was quite a thing... It wasn't that interesting and I feel that I was merely used as a marketing tool to promote an already dying talkshow. But as not to disappoint any fan, I went and jumped on her couch. (It seemed to me that this was general practice as I have seen some particular character named Tom Cruise do this before, I think it's some sort of introduction ritual. Now that I think about it, I think Tom said he was in love with a descended from the renowned Sherlock Holmes, one of my pupils. Seeing the Tom character, I don't think any descended from Sherlock could be in love with Tom...) But anyway, it wasn't that interesting so I'll let that matter rest. Maybe you can tape it sometime, apparently you can watch it on this thing called teevee, it's very popular nowadays.

Now, the thing that I did which was really interesting was travel back and forth in time!! And yes, I was told after I traveled back to the current time that some guy (I think he was called Stephen Hawking) had some sort of theory about it not being able to travel back in time and so forth. Basically he posed a question saying: "If you could have Time Travel, wouldn't they already be here telling us about it" Well, here I am, you CAN travel back and forth in time. I guess that answers his question...
Anyway, I'm moving away from the subject. So I traveled back in time to around the year 1888, I met an interesting person there with a most peculiar name: Herbert George Wel**. I told them that I have the capability to travel through time (mentioning the possibility that time is a fourth dimension through which you can travel, pfft.. who'd ever believe anything like that) and that I have been to the far future where earth was in it's final hour. That I've seen the end. Of course this was all fiction, besides the impossibility to travel to the time earth nearly gets pulled in by the gravitational force of the sun, it would be a very stupid thing to do. But he kept asking me to take him with me so I cut him a deal. If he would give me his camera I would take pictures. So he gave me his camera and I disappeared, obviously I'll never return again. The camera is gonna be worth tons of money now (Har har har!).
So after that incident I traveled to the future. And I don't refer to the future as the year 3000. No, I traveled to the year 2050. Oh and I have a message for those who believe the world is gonna end in 2012 (I'm just the messenger): "Haha ha, fooled ya!" (they wanted me to convey the message: "Made ya look" but after I explained the true meaning behind that they choose for the current option)
But, as I said, the year was, or rather, will be 2050 and there I was. Naturally I was still a bit disoriented from the ride but before I knew it, I was arrested for illegal time travel by, get this, none other than Jean Claude van Damme! At first I thought that I traveled to the movieset of "TimeCop" but he really is a Time, well not TimeCop, police. So Jean Claude took me in for questioning which took hours. By the way, here's a little piece of advice, if Jean Claude van Damme asks you if you have ever seen him flex his muscles the only right answer is: "I think I hear your mother calling" Just trust me on this one...
The obvious question here would be: "Why? Why did they take you in for questioning." Well to ask this question you should also be aware that illegal time travel in itself is not that big of a crime. But apparently the person I talked to when I first traveled back in time somehow changed the course of history. Whaddaya know. How the timepolice ever found out about any of this, I have no idea. I mean, if you travel back in time and change the course of history, how would anybody know the history was any different? Weird!
So anyway I was sent back to my time, history was left as it was and still is and I'm back where I belong writing in my blog. Life is good.
And as I am writing this, I realize, my blog is Awesome!

So for today, or tonight, have a good one and Future You says hello!

12 May 2009

Dated: today

well today was a warm welcome for a change.
I'm in Aspen. And we all know Aspen!
Here in Aspen, where I am, there are lots of cottages. So I got here for free because of some "Time share program" I've never heard of before, but it's free so I don't really care, it's like a two hour lecture and you're off the hook for some real hardcore stuff.
The interesting thing about time share is that you own the cottage, but have to share it... You following me? But during this lecture, totally boring by the way, the cops bust in with a swat team.
And I don't mean the kick-down-the-door-get-your-hands-up-move-move-move kind.
No I'm talking about the flash bang grenade to gun barrel on your head in less than 6.7 seconds kind.
Now the interesting thing to know is that when someone pushes the gun barrel against your back while walking you know exactly where he is, the distance. Sudden movements can be quick enough to catch the captor off guard and overpowering him. It would be wiser for the captor to walk several paces behind you so you don't know how far behind he is and can't assess the situation completely. These swat teams were of the second type....
But fortunately they were coming for the time share people (who'd blame them). Apparently this is like a scheming business, I was told they had several operations in Dubai as well.
What I would like to say with this story is that I had a frikkin' great time in Aspen and it's time for me to get back to it!

Reporting from Aspen, Sabre
Back to you John!

12 May 2009

Dated: Yesterday

today I it was a very relaxing day, I had no grand scheme in mind.
It was just hangin' around, me and the gang (as opposed to Kool and the gang). But there we were driving around the block with our cars music on, volume high, occasionally getting out for some activity (kicking cans).
But suddenly my day was rudely disturbed by a nasty squirrel. Against common belief that squirrels possess skills and force to be reckoned with, a squirrel is just a squirrel, get over it.
Of course nobody dared touch it (which is wise, boys and girls, wild animals can be full off diseases so better just call animal control) we called animal control and the matter was quickly resolved. (it took about 2 minutes to call in the report 47.2 minutes for them to arrive and 2.1 minutes to capture the damn creature. It was quite a feisty creature so it took a sedative that would knock out an elephant. Sadly it was not meant for a squirrel and it subsequently died....
After that the mood was all, meh! So we broke up the party to get ready for the barbecue in the evening.
Now important to note on this matter is that it had been bad weather all day long. Cloudy with local rain. But by the time barbecue began all that was over and done with. The temperature rose like crazy (weird!). Thus we enjoyed a meal with mostly, well, meat. Aside from a vegetarian who, if you don't know it yet, does not eat meat. I don't know why people chose to be vegetarian or vegans... But aside from that we had a fun little dinner.
So you might think that after dinner we were done, went home, watch some crappy movie with a crappy story and go to sleep. But no, that is not what we did. We went to a party, personally invited for a party at Heidi's (Klum not the other one). Apparently there was a supermodel party which was fun. Until at some point during the party there was a partycrasher. I will not name him (since it WAS a him) by name but he was this mean spirited character like: What the hell?!! Why are you giving a party there's nothing to be jolly about!!!. And we was like: whut?!..
And Heidi was like: Oh noes!!
And we was like: Do you know this baldy?
And Heidi was like: yea, totally.
And that's how the party came to an end. Unfortunately at that point all of us had to much to drink. Boys and girls drinking and driving is dangerous and should not be done, unless you are a professional. I'm a professional. But somehow I ended up participating with a street race. If you expect Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, they weren't there. There's no sense in a street race in Germany since they basically have no speed restrictions...
I lost the street race....Who am I even kidding, you all know I crushed my opponents!
Then there was a loud siren, Cops! The bad ass type.
So after just winning the pink slip of my opponent, we had to escape. It was an immediate three star cop level warning, I know this because in the top right of the screen three stars were flashing. Luckily after crashing two of the cop cars into buildings (riot anyone?) I got away, got home, watched a crappy movie, with a crappy story and went to sleep.

and that was the end of today.
Sabre-X

11 May 2009

Esteemed population of earth,

Since the start of my blog people have been very positive.
It currently holds over a 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes with 59808 out of 59800 critics giving it a positive review with an average of 11/10 (Wow). My blog also holds a score of 1000 as of May 10, 2009 on the review aggregator website Metacritic, a feat never achieved before. It has also been voted "The best blog ever" by French Restaurant reviewers.

But I don't need all that attention. As you all may know, I'm a bit modest myself.

Today I traveled to Atlantis.
Now I know that a lot of you will say: "But Atlantis is all the way in the Pegasus Galaxy".
But you are wrong, whatever the people behind the Stargate franchise state is mere fiction!
No, despite a lot of theories of the whereabouts of Atlantis. The truth is that Atlantis is in fact South America, or that is, beneath South America. You see, the interesting part is that the people of Atlantis at some point decided that it would be better for the world (their technology being so advanced) to just up and "disappear". With their eyes on the future they realized that at some point every other country in the world would want their technology and fight for it. Resulting, quite obviously, in the destruction of everyone else. So understandably they chose for the option where they stay in hide until the time is right for them to return. So as to build a human made "Landroof" over Atlantis and sinking the whole. You can see it as a sort of giant submarine. Over the millenniums it became what is now known as South America. "But where do all the location theories come from" you ask? Well that is easy. As Atlantis disappeared they left clues of their existence and how to find them on various places. (Amongst others the Atlantic Ocean, the Mediterranean and Antarctica) The thought was that when humanity has the knowledge to understand the clues and the resources and technology to reach Atlantis (this being the technology Atlantis already possessed when it went into hiding) we would be ready to mingle with the people of Atlantis. Now obviously only me and Ned Land went to Atlantis and I must say, it is B-E-A-Utiful. Truly it is a shame that Ned forgot his camera. I was able to speak the language without accent, which is, in effect, a bit troubling because the people of Atlantis DO speak with an accent. But ultimately they have a translation device. But my lord, what a breathtaking experience that was. They live near the core of our earth so there are rivers of magma which they can control. Remember Pompeii? Totally their fault. A failed experiment of some kind.

But since it was our first encounter it would be rude not to bring gifts.
So of course me and Ned brought our share of presents.
I brought newspapers, pictures of the world, digital tv with live sport.
Ned Land brought....
eh..he brought, 6 bottles of scotch, 24/7 casino and porn.
Within 7 days of this Atlantis was on the brink of destruction. It took the 5 minutes to mass produce scotch 3 days to deplete almost all their treasure and they were very close to bankruptcy and recreational [censored] thrived.
On the 8th day we received an official statement from the authorities notifying us of the decision that we are banned from the Atlantis and they no longer have any hope for mankind to reach the kind of understanding with the world and wish never to interact with us again.
After they kicked us out they left earth in their spaceship (Atlantis has been transformed in one). They also left the only clue on Antarctica. This all happened overnight with no one even noticing...

...I fired Ned Land after that.

S. Abre

10 May 2009

captains log, may 9th, 2009.

my ship sunk today. After an attempt to sink it yesterday by pirates (which we succesfuly warded off) and iceberg did us in this time. It is the seventh ship in 4 months that have met the watery grave. The only ones to survives is me and two female dancers who I managed to save. It was a hard struggle, as soon as I realized we were going to hit that iceberg I made sure I got away. Unfortunately for the others there was only one lifeboat which obviously went to me. I know that others might say: "Hey, the F***'s wrong with you?! You're the captain! You should stay on board until all others are off board." Well I ask you, what would happen if people panicked?!! Running around screaming pushing, pulling? That's right! Nobody would survive. This time, at least the three of us got out which is at least 5% of the passengers. But still it was rough getting away. I mean, it was a lifeboat designed for 20 people but we (and with we, I refer to the dancers) had to row back to shore by ourselves (obviously with me being a captain it would be senseless for me to row). We expected quiet waters but people dove right after us and tried to get on board. I had to fend them off by hitting them over the hat with an oar. That was not what I expected to happen at all. I even tried to give a final moment of happiness before they would...you know...that. But I guess that as soon as they saw me escaping the wreckage with the boat they noticed something was wrong.
Luckily we got back to land and here I am, just letting you know I'm still here. No need to worry!
I know you're all wondering: "What if you get a new ship to captain, would you do anything different?" and the simple answer is: Of course. It was a silly mistake on my part, next time the lifeboat will have proper propulsion.

Sabre, signing off.

10 May 2009

Dear fan,

often people ask me: "Hey, your life is interesting! I'd like to know more about you, can I subscribe to your newsletter"
and unfortunately my answer until date has been "no".
I know I've let a lot of people down because of it,
and I want to set things right.
I don't want to have it on my conscience that others cry themselves to sleep at night just because I don't have a newsletter.
Now the obvious problem before was that it was very expensive to print your own newsletter and to have it delivered in the morning.
I would've had to ask for money which I didn't want.
Of course I know that you will all pay up,
but that's against my principles, I don't want you to end up in the gutter or steal/beg just to keep getting my newsletter.
But unfortunately my budget wasn't big enough to sustain a 6 billion circulation newsletter.
However, the recent events that have spread throughout the world like wildfire changes everything.
yes, it is what you have guessed, Internet.
Therefore I shall keep a blog right here for your sakes.
It is here that I shall keep a, diary if you will and post regularly so you may keep up to date with the ins and outs of the person that is Sabre.
In this blog I shall also discus matters that I find funny, repulsive, interesting, petrifying, basically everything that is remotely worth of mentioning.
Needless to say, a great variety of subject will pass the revue.
I'm still getting used to the idea though so better cut me some slack first.

~Sabre-X~